Friday jokes 2016
41 - 53 of 53 Posts
A gambler was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of
the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough,
he blessed one of the horses.
The gambler made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the
horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and eagerly waited to see which horse the Priest would
bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up
winning.
The gambler was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,
And awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on .
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race And blessed
the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. This time the priest
blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The gambler knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He
watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting
him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and
they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now,
thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'My Son,' he said, 'that's the problem
with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last
rites.
The FA have announced a three-way England shirt sponsorship deal, with an oil company, a designer clothing company and a parcel delivery company.
The shirt logos will read:
Total
fcuk
UPS
A technician is being sent to work in the Arctic Circle.
"This is your emergency equipment," says his boss. "It consists of a box of assorted distress flares, a radio and a deck of cards."
"What are the cards for?" asks the technician.
"If the distress flares don't work," says the boss, "and the radio is completely frozen, take the deck of cards and start a game of solitaire. It won't be long before someone taps you on the shoulder and tells you to put the nine of spades on the ten of diamonds."
A North East couple were given an ASBO recently, for having loud sex sessions every night.
When they were arrested, the police asked them to come quietly.
I was offered a job studying how fog is formed, but I turned it down. In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey. Seamus said "Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks.
Murphy said, OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.
"The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.
I'm drunk and me knees are feckin' killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Time saving gardening tip:
If you water your grass with beer, it will come up half cut.
Thought for the day……..
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, that a lone amateur built the Ark, and a large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'probably golfing with his mates.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Q) What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A) One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey. Seamus said "Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks.
Murphy said, OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.
"The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.
I'm drunk and me knees are feckin' killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Time saving gardening tip:
If you water your grass with beer, it will come up half cut.
Thought for the day……..
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, that a lone amateur built the Ark, and a large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'probably golfing with his mates.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Q) What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A) One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
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On a long haul flight to India 1n 2009, I stopped over at Dubai Airport
First port of call was the toilets, well after 9hr flight, some thing larger than broom cupboard with a queue of 15 outside seemsed a good idea.
Entered trap 3, sat down when an American voice boomed out "Hi, how are you ? "
Bit shocked, I stammered, " f f f fine,thank you and you OK? "
'Yeah good, thanks" came the reply ''' . . . .. . . . . . .
After a minute or two, I asked " How was your flight? "
Immediately, the voiced boomed back :
" Do you mind, I'm trying a have a conversation here, with my wife in Texas" :naughty:
Jehovahs witnesses, called yesterday, asking,
"Is there room in your house for jesus christ sir?"
I replied, " best try next door, they got a spare bedroom"
.
First port of call was the toilets, well after 9hr flight, some thing larger than broom cupboard with a queue of 15 outside seemsed a good idea.
Entered trap 3, sat down when an American voice boomed out "Hi, how are you ? "
Bit shocked, I stammered, " f f f fine,thank you and you OK? "
'Yeah good, thanks" came the reply ''' . . . .. . . . . . .
After a minute or two, I asked " How was your flight? "
Immediately, the voiced boomed back :
" Do you mind, I'm trying a have a conversation here, with my wife in Texas" :naughty:
Jehovahs witnesses, called yesterday, asking,
"Is there room in your house for jesus christ sir?"
I replied, " best try next door, they got a spare bedroom"
.
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his cars for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't".
I used to have a job testing the durability of trainers. You might think that sounds easy, but it was sole-destroying work.
Weather forecast…..The temperature in Motown today is three degrees, maybe four tops.
I had the pleasure of meeting a couple of hipsters today, but they yelled at me for making fun of them.
Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".....
My wife looked really miserable during our anniversary dinner...
Which is a bit ironic, as she was eating a Happy Meal.
A friend asked me, "Exactly what is it you do in your job as a news summarizer?"
I said, "Well, to make a long story, short."
My mother christened me 'Carbon Tetrachloride' to help me later on in life.
She'd been told that girls prefer solvent men.
My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I have to do is rub it in.
A friend asked what I would regret most if I were to die in my sleep? Probably going to bed.
Andy Murray walks into a bar, then walks straight out again.............It was happy hour.
It's been said that if Jeremy Corbyn is selected for the leadership, we won't have a Labour government for at least 10 years.
I think that's a Conservative estimate.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
A battery and a nose walk into a pub and up to the bar.
The battery says to the barman,"Two pints of lager please mate."
Barman says,"I ain't serving you,so get out."
"Oh what",says the battery,"why you barring us?"
Barman says,"well for a start,you look like you're gonna start something,and your mate is off his face."
A little girl goes into a pet shop. She spends some time looking at the
cages of rabbits until the owner approaches her and says "Would you like
tobuy one of these lovely fluffy bunny-wunnies, then?"
The little girl looks up at him and says "Yes please"
The owner continues "And do you want a nice white fluffy bunny-wunny, or
doyou want a cutey-wootey brown bunny-wunny or do you want an
extra-cuddly-kins black fluffy bunny-wunny?"
Little girl "Actually, I don't think my python minds..."
Bubba`s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.
"NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't".
I used to have a job testing the durability of trainers. You might think that sounds easy, but it was sole-destroying work.
Weather forecast…..The temperature in Motown today is three degrees, maybe four tops.
I had the pleasure of meeting a couple of hipsters today, but they yelled at me for making fun of them.
Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".....
My wife looked really miserable during our anniversary dinner...
Which is a bit ironic, as she was eating a Happy Meal.
A friend asked me, "Exactly what is it you do in your job as a news summarizer?"
I said, "Well, to make a long story, short."
My mother christened me 'Carbon Tetrachloride' to help me later on in life.
She'd been told that girls prefer solvent men.
My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I have to do is rub it in.
A friend asked what I would regret most if I were to die in my sleep? Probably going to bed.
Andy Murray walks into a bar, then walks straight out again.............It was happy hour.
It's been said that if Jeremy Corbyn is selected for the leadership, we won't have a Labour government for at least 10 years.
I think that's a Conservative estimate.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
A battery and a nose walk into a pub and up to the bar.
The battery says to the barman,"Two pints of lager please mate."
Barman says,"I ain't serving you,so get out."
"Oh what",says the battery,"why you barring us?"
Barman says,"well for a start,you look like you're gonna start something,and your mate is off his face."
A little girl goes into a pet shop. She spends some time looking at the
cages of rabbits until the owner approaches her and says "Would you like
tobuy one of these lovely fluffy bunny-wunnies, then?"
The little girl looks up at him and says "Yes please"
The owner continues "And do you want a nice white fluffy bunny-wunny, or
doyou want a cutey-wootey brown bunny-wunny or do you want an
extra-cuddly-kins black fluffy bunny-wunny?"
Little girl "Actually, I don't think my python minds..."
Bubba`s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.
"NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
One Chicken yells across the road to another chicken, "Hey how do I cross the road?"
The other Chicken yells back that the chicken that is across the road, "You are across the road!"
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other SLIDE
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" he asked.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" said Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?"
I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
These two guys meet after not having seen each other
for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?" The second guy speaking
very slowly tells the first guy,
"I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter
any more." The answer comes,
" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..
a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f
I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l
n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again
about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d
I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n
w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k
s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"
The other Chicken yells back that the chicken that is across the road, "You are across the road!"
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other SLIDE
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" he asked.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" said Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?"
I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
These two guys meet after not having seen each other
for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?" The second guy speaking
very slowly tells the first guy,
"I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter
any more." The answer comes,
" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..
a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f
I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l
n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again
about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d
I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n
w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k
s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"
One day, a man walked into the dentist"s office for some dental work.
The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?"
The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life."
The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller."
The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."
The dentist said, "Sir, I"m telling you, use a painkiller."
The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."
The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?"
The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life"
The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?"
The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."
Please share with all your friends. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!! I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using washing up liquid instead. Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone . . . I'll be in the shower!
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?"
The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life."
The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller."
The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."
The dentist said, "Sir, I"m telling you, use a painkiller."
The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."
The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?"
The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life"
The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?"
The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."
Please share with all your friends. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!! I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using washing up liquid instead. Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone . . . I'll be in the shower!
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. She took out her purse, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' she asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' she asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, she said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked . 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting...'
She said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
A little girl asked her mother,
"How did the human race start?"
The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' she asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' she asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, she said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked . 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting...'
She said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
A little girl asked her mother,
"How did the human race start?"
The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Dumb criminals awards
RUNNER-UP #9
Weymouth, Dorset: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found cocaine in her purse.
RUNNER-UP #8
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
RUNNER-UP #7
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet in Swansea, South Wales, and the thief was arrested.
RUNNER-UP #6
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
RUNNER-UP #5
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
RUNNER-UP #4
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
RUNNER-UP #3
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
RUNNER-UP #2
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
RUNNER-UP #1
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
THE WINNER!
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Others that came close, but deserve a mention......
A man was arrested in London after throwing a brick into the Plexiglas window of a jewellery store...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.
Bank robbers were caught in Maryland USA. They were caught trying to cut open a safe with a laser pointer
In Liverpool a dumb criminal walked into a Police Station complaining he had been robbed. When asked what had been stolen the guy then handed over a piece of paper that clearly had written on it the names of all the drugs he was carrying and the quantities. The policeman broke a smile and called for assistance, he asked if they stole anything else. The robbed drug dealer then produced a gun and said they missed this!
RUNNER-UP #9
Weymouth, Dorset: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found cocaine in her purse.
RUNNER-UP #8
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
RUNNER-UP #7
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet in Swansea, South Wales, and the thief was arrested.
RUNNER-UP #6
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
RUNNER-UP #5
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
RUNNER-UP #4
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
RUNNER-UP #3
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
RUNNER-UP #2
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
RUNNER-UP #1
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
THE WINNER!
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Others that came close, but deserve a mention......
A man was arrested in London after throwing a brick into the Plexiglas window of a jewellery store...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.
Bank robbers were caught in Maryland USA. They were caught trying to cut open a safe with a laser pointer
In Liverpool a dumb criminal walked into a Police Station complaining he had been robbed. When asked what had been stolen the guy then handed over a piece of paper that clearly had written on it the names of all the drugs he was carrying and the quantities. The policeman broke a smile and called for assistance, he asked if they stole anything else. The robbed drug dealer then produced a gun and said they missed this!
Last posts of the year. Merry Christmas everybody.
Q: Why did Katie Holmes divorce Tom Cruise?
A: Apparently he'd been in A Few Good Men.
Q. What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A. "See you next month!”
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
26. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
___________________________
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest,
and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants,
I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in
the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I
pulled the trigger."
A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
Whereupon the blonde responded, "What else you gonna name watch dogs?"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do housing estate. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge ?"
The blonde after looking about, said, "How about 50 quid ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied: "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb ?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' jokes."
Some time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the five ten pound notes.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Jaguar."
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Q: Why did Katie Holmes divorce Tom Cruise?
A: Apparently he'd been in A Few Good Men.
Q. What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A. "See you next month!”
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
26. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
___________________________
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest,
and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants,
I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in
the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I
pulled the trigger."
A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
Whereupon the blonde responded, "What else you gonna name watch dogs?"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do housing estate. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge ?"
The blonde after looking about, said, "How about 50 quid ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied: "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb ?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' jokes."
Some time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the five ten pound notes.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Jaguar."
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am,but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said: "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who's better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off...
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed.
"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't
have any?"
God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES."
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to
visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said: "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who's better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off...
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed.
"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't
have any?"
God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES."
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to
visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
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