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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
He said "I'm addicted"

I said "I know, but stop calling me Ted"


Sheamus was overweight so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Sheamus returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions? "

Sheamus nodded..."I' ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

“No, from the skipping”


I met this lovely girl online; she explained to me that she had osteoporosis but hey, I don't have problems with conditions. When we met in person we didn't really get on, until I hugged her tightly and everything just clicked.

Girl: What colour are my eyes?

Guy: 34C.


Top Tip: Earn big money by displaying a "How's my driving?" sign in the back of your car, along with an 0906 number (up to £1.53 per minute, available through BT).
Then drive around town like a complete moron......................


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bugger! You've been playing golf!"


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
………and your bonus for the day is lots of (very) old jokes. (I recommend at least 10 pints before you read these)

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get down from a duck.


How does an elephant get down from a tree?
Stands on a leaf and waits for autumn.

How did the elephant get up the tree?
Stood on an acorn and waited for it to grow.


Why are crocodiles long, thin, and flat?
They walk under trees in autumn.


What's the difference between an postbox and an elephants bottom?
If you don't know, I'm not going to ask you to post a letter at the zoo.


How do you get 4 elephants in a mini?
Two in the front and two in the back.


How do you know you've got elephants in your fridge?
There's a mini parked outside.


Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires

Why do elephant have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.


What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.


How do you stop a herd of elephants running towards you?
Go into a phone box, make a trunk call and reverse the charge.


How do you get 2 whales in a mini?
Over the Severn bridge.


Why do elephants trumpet?
Their glockenspiel has been confiscated


How do elephants camouflage themselves?
They paint their testicles red and hide in the cherry trees.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.


What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant


I had a job circumcising elephants once.
The wages were cr*p but the tips were massive.


What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?
Elephant's foreskin


How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
You open the door, put the elephant in and close the door.


How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in and close the door.


The Lion King of the Jungle is organising a meeting with all the animals in his Kingdom. All the animals are present, bar one... which one?
The giraffe - it's in the fridge.


You are hiking in Africa and realise that you need to cross a crocodile-infested river. There is no bridge and no boat. What do you do?
Just swim across - the crocodiles are at the meeting.


 

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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grand father had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal **** took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy
stepped out of the boat...and nearly drowned!

**** just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his
father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake was frozen, and ye were born in August, ya kin idiot."



Saw a sign advertising job vacancies at a local cider-making factory. It said, “Apply within”. I thought, “I suppose it is…”

Even though you are still allowed to smoke in your own house, do you have to stub it out when a burglar breaks in, as your house is now his workplace?



When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.

I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.



Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?

They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.



A policeman knocked on my door early this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.

He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!"

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."



After a really good party, a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the three women sitting next to him and says, "you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The first woman replies, "I am 240 pounds, a world kick-boxing champion and I'm actually a natural blonde. My friend here is 190 pounds, a world Judo champion and she's also a natural blonde. And my other friend weighs 200 pounds, used to be a world arm wrestling champion, and like me and our other friend, is a natural blonde. So, do you still want to tell me that joke?"

The man thinks for a while. "Um, no" he replies. "Not if I'll have to explain it three times..."



I went to a hypnotist yesterday – he convinced me I was the atomic number 82. I’m easily lead.


Tip of the day.

If you're feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you!


Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.


Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators!!



Why did the polygamist cross the road?

To get to the other bride.

 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
My mate's got five penises. He says his underpants fit him like a glove.

Paranoid, me? If I had a pound for every time I got suspicious... I'd wonder who the hell was paying me, and why?

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples.

"Thirteen glasses of water, please," Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...


A flying insect just flew into my office and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs...


Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

A. One less drunk.


According to my wife I was mumbling stuff about "Lord of the Rings" in the middle of the night.

Must have been Tolkien in my sleep.


I sell clockwork pranks. Yes, I'm a wind-up merchant.....

Workday Blues.

Let's face it, after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F

I sold my homing pigeon 6 times last month on eBay.

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."

What?

"Never mind"

What's the problem?

"Nothing"

Please tell us?

"You know what the problem is."


What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

A prostitute stops screwing you when you run out of money


Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary.
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in London, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."


I'm so bored with life, I've decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish.

I'm past caring!!


Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

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Discussion Starter · #25 ·
I saved £463 on my car insurance today.

Now I've just got to hope that I don't get pulled over in the next 12 months.


Why did the baker's hands smell horrid?

Because he needed a poo...



Beckham's son turned up to training at Old Trafford this morning, for the youth squad.
A few of the other lads were asking him what number shirt he would be wearing.

He approached the team coach to ask what jersey he should put on.

"Wear four out there Romeo." He replied.


What can you jump over that's a hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.


The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.

Medics said he could have done with a second coat...


A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He
spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


A blonde man shouts
frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"


I've decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says ‘why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

What's the difference between God and Bono?

God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.


First person to guess what I'm going to do with this crowbar wins a prise.

It’s not fair, I lost my job at the calendar factory simply because I took a day off!

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
You couldn't swing a cat in there.


If 3 people having sex is a threesome.
And 2 people having sex is a twosome.

What does it mean when they call a man ‘handsome’?

Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions...

A G.P. and his practice nurse were on the train, going to a Medical Conference.

Opposite them was Boris Johnson furiously scratching his elbow.

"I wonder what's the matter with him?" asked the nurse.

"He's a patient of mine and, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from haemorrhoids," replied the G.P.

"Well, why he's scratching his elbow?" asked the puzzled nurse.

"Oh, he's a politician, and he doesn't know his arse from his elbow."
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
I'm thinking of becoming a waiter.

It's not the greatest job in the world but it puts food on the table!



The inventor of predictive text has died

His funfair will be hello on Sundial...



My mate had a neck brace fitted years ago. Since then he’s never looked back.


I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy Lidl’s toilet roll.



A psychiatrist is doing rounds with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"

The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"

The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."



Some people say that Mexicans are bordering on the insane.

But so what, so are Canadians!!



Difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit...



Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'For GODS SAKE, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'



I've just invented a perfume made from holy water...

I've called it, 'Eau My God.'



Scientists, who said they were against genetic engineering, have now crossed a seagull with a sheep...

Which is a massive ewe tern.



First God tells us to go forth and multiply,
then he tells us not to commit adultery,
then a virgin gives birth to his son.

I really don't think he has clue what he's talking about...



 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
I saw a fella with a bumper sticker saying:
"I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads


I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said mine was the biggest dangly-bit she'd ever had her hands on. I said, "nah, you're pulling my leg".

Psychologists say the left half of the brain is responsible for both kleptomania and numeracy.

So, proof at last that it really is the taking part that counts.


When people get annoyed about others using bad grammar, I just give them a hug and say "there, their, they're".

I went on a course the other day about how to complain effectively...

It was so good I got my money back.


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils.


A guy brings a mate home after work around 6:30, unannounced, for dinner. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My ****** hair and makeup are not done, the house is a ******* mess, the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my ******** pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the **** did you bring him home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology training. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Larry?”
“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mummy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What's the matter”, asked Larry “You giving up?”

The maths teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Larry quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

Larry's class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures of the 10 most wanted criminals pinned to a notice board.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want to capture him very much.”
Larry asked, "Well why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mum ......”


My attempts at cross-breeding fruits with vegetables ...

Have only made me meloncauli.


A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over the years his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay but I'll have to leave me socks on else I'll have nothing to wipe me brushes on."

 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
Essential advice for today.

1) If you teach your child about unprotected sex, your mistake can learn from you.
2) Never trust your gut feelings; You know what your gut's are full of.


Old mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch the postman a letter.
When she got there
The cupboard was bare
So they did without
It was better.



Man flu...

I blame the Wright brothers.



Security concerns have been raised following reports that the perimeter fencing at Knowsley Safari Park, near Liverpool, is falling into disrepair, and there are no funds available to replace it.

When asked about the consequences of a lion escaping, and wandering around Merseyside, a park spokesman said,

"It would just have to defend itself the best it could."



Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

The sound is proving difficult to decipher, but they have narrowed it down to either "Oops" or "Ohh ****"



If I had a pound for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
Dave, a Scouser, is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and, after he's ordered his drink, spots a Native American, in full tribal dress, seated in the corner of the bar.

He asks the barkeeper, "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant. He can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

After introducing himself, he asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"

"Liverpool," came the instant reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Leeds," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more, "What was the final score?"

The wise man didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer.

Without so much as blinking, he says, "Ian St John."

Dave returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the memory man. However, his curiosity lingers and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the wise man. Ten years later, Dave has finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the man, now in a cave.

Feeling very humble, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets him in the traditional way.

"How."

The memory man stares at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."


 

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Discussion Starter · #29 ·
As the chauffeur held the car door open for Prince Charles, he said, "Still raining, sir."

"Yes," said Charles, "but she can't go on for ever."



I used to have a pet leech. Other people didn’t like my pet, but I was very attached to it.


If I'm not mistaken, Tipex is pretty useless.


Murphy is walking home from the pub in Belfast, when a flying saucer lands in the middle of the road. He watches in amazement as a trap door hisses open and a humanoid figure in a spacesuit walks down a ramp.
"Are ... are ... you ... from ... outer space?" stammers Murphy.
"Yes," comes the reply, "I'm a Martian."
Murphy holds up his hand and says,
"Not down this street, you're not!"



Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water . . .

If it sinks: girl ant

If it floats: boy ant



…..and more ant jokes…..
Biggest ant in the world? Giant
Second biggest ant in the world? Elephant
Cleverest ant in the world? Brilliant
Stupidest ant in the world? Ignorant
Ant in charge? Commandant
Ant on a charge? Defendant
Ant who used to drive a minicab? Exuberant
Queen ant after 60 years on the throne? Jubilant
Ant squashed by a bread roll? Abundant
Ant sliding down a hill? Lubricant
Ant on a boys’ night out? Stagnant
Girl ant after a boys’ night out? Pregnant
Ant in a cheap puffa jacket? Militant
Person who’s had enough of stupid ant jokes? Sycophant



Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today.

It just goes from bad to worse!

BBC NEWS: Private plane has crashed into The London Eye...

Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.


 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
So as not to cause offence, I hear that Britain's second city will henceforth be known as Birming.

My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.

I thought, “that's a bit far-fetched”.


The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.
The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.
The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $50 in a picture today that she figures is worth a minimum of $2 million”.
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The picture is of you and your secretary”.


My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."


While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.


A Scottish joke……..
Q: What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
A: Bing sings, but Walt Disney


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since"
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother
and started back toward his car, when his attention was diverted to
another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why
did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My
wife's first husband."


My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy. Pack your bags and leave."

I said, "You pack them."

As she walked gracefully down the aisle, every head turned and watched the trail of white gently flowing behind her. When she drew level with her childhood sweetheart, he said, "Here pet, you might want to pull that bit of toilet roll out of your drawers. We're about to touch down in Malaga."
 

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Discussion Starter · #31 ·
It was in a pub in Cork when a group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no-one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to make sure I could do it.



An old Native American Chief is sitting in his tepee, on the reservation, eyeing two US government officials, sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," says one official, "You've observed the white man for many years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress and the damage he's done."

The Chief nods in agreement.

The official continues, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief thinks for a while, then replies, "When white man discover our land, our great nation was running everything. We had no taxes, no debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water, medicine man was free. Women did all the work. Men spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having sex." He pauses for a moment then, in a very sad voice, says...

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."



I took the mother-in-law out for tea and biscuits. She wasn’t too happy about having to give blood though.


My old Granny's cold remedy: Drink a glass of iced water, followed by a hot bath. It works, but the bath takes some swallowing.


My eight year old son asked me what is it like to have a job.

So I told him to tidy his bedroom, wash the dishes and take the dog for a walk.

When he returned I showed him a ten pound note but only gave him a fiver.



I was at the Pessimists Anonymous meeting last night. As usual, it looked half empty.........


A young lady went into a cocktail lounge and asked the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.



I've just been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.

He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.



Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.


I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a rap.


One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give 50p to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "Bono, Miss!"
The teacher said, "Sorry, Patrick, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish girl put up her hand and said, "Sean Connery, Miss!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Fiona, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ, Miss."
The teacher said, "That's right, Aaron. Come here and I'll give you your 50p." As the teacher was giving the boy his money, she said, "You know Aaron, you being Jewish, I was surprised you said Jesus Christ."
He replied, "I know I should have said Moses, Miss, but business is business."



In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm, people from Liverpool and Manchester have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Liverpool's and Manchester's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.


The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.



What word becomes shorter when you add two letters?

Short.


NEWS FLASH:

In an effort to improve mathematical standards, the Government is introducing new targets to make all schools above average.


 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
As spring migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip north, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead armadillos. "Do you wish to check the armadillos through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

Everybody should be free to vote in a general election. Everybody should be free to vote in the X factor. Nobody should be free to vote in both!

Doctor: "your wife's in hospital".
Me: "how is she?".
Doctor: "she's critical".
Me: "ah, you get used to that..."


The instructions on my microwave meal say stir and recover, how tiring do they think stirring actually is?

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realises it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.Peter returns.

'Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..


Today you voted.........


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests the once.”
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The director at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.


The inventor of throat lozenges has died...

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.


What do you have, if you have a cricket ball in one hand, and a cricket ball in the other?

A very big cricket!


A man died and went to Heaven. He was talking to Saint Peter and says, "I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm also curious about what Hell looks like?"
Saint Peter thought about it for a moment and said, "I'll tell you what. I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially admitted into Heaven. Come with me." Saint Peter showed him an elevator and said, "Take this to the bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but do not get out of the elevator."
The man said, "Thank you," and got into the elevator. After nearly an hour the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless, frozen wasteland. All the man could see was ice and blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter had said, he quickly pushed the button for the top floor. When he arrives back, he says to Saint Peter, "I'm ready to enter Heaven now, but I have just one more question."
"Go ahead", replied Saint Peter.
The man said, "I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?"
Saint Peter ponders this for a while and finally answers, "Snow and ice, eh?"
"I can only guess that Liverpool have finally won the Premier League!"


An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas. He rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like
This:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as
To send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.

 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
I've just read that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on, when it's raining in Sweden.

Problem is, "How do I know when it's raining in Sweden?"


I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the seventies...

Worst prostate examination ever.


I like going into McDonald's and ordering an egg McMuffin and a McChicken...

Just to see which one comes first.


A 1969 joke…………

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"Don't fool around, Buzz. Who the hell do you think it is?"

"Sorry, Neil."


Two blokes running a boating lake, one with a megaphone:

"COME IN SIXTY ONE! YOUR TIME IS UP."

"er Dave, we've only got fifty boats."

"NINETEEN, ARE YOU IN TROUBLE?"


Two nuns leave the convent to go for a walk. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical and the other one is Sister Logical. On the way back, it is getting dark, and they still have a way to go.
SL: Have you noticed that a man is following us?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical that he wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will soon catch us. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to start walking faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: The man also did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do?
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. He can't follow us both.
So they split up, and the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted up my dress.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up, can run faster than a man with his pants down.


Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Worship: A Geordie's boat.

Yorkshireman: A Scotsman without the generosity.

Irony: An Inland Revenue office based in Liverpool.

Kant: 18th century German philosopher or Cockney verbal abuse.

Free press: When your mother irons your trousers.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter does.

Explain: A flying vehicle which doesn't anymore.

Intermittent: Where I went, when it started to rain on my camping holiday.

 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
* I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

* This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

* I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

* They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

* I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

* When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
.
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

* What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.


If only the BBC could have replaced Jeremy Clarkson with Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson...

Bottom Gear would have been so much better.



I'm going on a long train journey, so I bought a book called 'The Raven And Other Collected Works'.I thought I'd give Poe a try in motion.

My fruit and veg business has gone into liquidation... I'm now selling smoothies.

Q: How many parrots can you fit down a man's pants?
A: Depends on the length of the perch.


A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
Then a student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay to buy accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


You should always play to win. Unless you are a French football team. Then sometimes you have to play Toulouse....

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,


‘I want the ******* who pushed me in.’


People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.....

I got a quote for my car insurance today. They offered me a Fire & Theft policy.

I thought, "Who'd steal a car that was on fire?"


I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."

 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
The man who invented velcro has died.
RIP.


They say that the average male has sex 2580 times during their life.

Statistically, that means I'm going to live until I'm 197.


I bumped into an ex of mine, who never gave me a reason for ending our previous relationship.

"Long time no see," I said, "So, tell me, why exactly did you dump me?"

"Because you were constantly making bad jokes," she replied.

"I guess you have a point," I shyly admitted.

"So, what's new?" she asked.

I said, "It's an adjective."


A man turns to his new girlfriend and says, "Since I first laid eyes upon your beautiful body, I've wanted to make love to you really, really badly."

The girlfriend responds, "Well, you succeeded."


A blond decided to do a parachute jump for charity. On the first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked the blonde.

"A good question. At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After a moment she said, "What if there's no one there I know?"


A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon
sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked,

"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
the pledge of my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several
minutes.

Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"


I've just been to my first burial at sea. The service was nothing special, but the wake was very impressive.

It was never my intention to be a shoplifter. I just picked things up as I went along.

I've just stayed in a lovely Irish hotel. It had two lifts. One up, one down.

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone. One minute a Kia, next minute Nokia.

I call my German friend, Einstein. He's drunk after one pint.

Never ask a starfish for directions.

The inventor of distorting mirrors has died. His funeral will be held in asymmetry.


A Scottish man and his wife walked past a s****y new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought, "What the heck... I'll treat her!"

So, he walked her past it again...


Poor Humpty Dumpty.

If only he'd had a hot bath before the accident, he would still have been here today...


There seems to have been a lot of press recently about Pensioner Bonds...

Why the sudden interest in Sean Connery and Roger Moore?


A shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one day he saw a ship offshore, so he lit the beacon fire that he had prepared and was thrilled to see a small boat rowing towards him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers.

"With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."


On a recent trip to the zoo, I was about to complain about the size of the cages they kept the apes in, when a voice came out of the ticket booth and asked for my admission fee.

Q. Vin Diesel. An American actor or a cheap French wine from Aldi?

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"

"Why did the Russians take Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"

Putin says "Good questions". But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back, there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up "I have Four questions"

"Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? Where is Sasha?"

 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
When a local Charity office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, the person in charge decided to call him to ask for a contribution.

"As you probably know, our work depends entirely on donations from the public, and as our research shows that you are a highly successful member of our community, we wondered if you could see your way clear to helping those less fortunate than yourself?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the man mumbled, "Er...no."

The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled ex soldier, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken manager began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The charity manager, whose humiliation was complete, and who felt completely beaten, said simply, "I'm very sorry, I had no idea..."

He was cut short again, "So, if I don't give them any money, why should I give any to you?"


Why couldn’t the two feet get along?

Because they both thought they were right.


While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?. He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's.
Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast….Ireland's finest!
He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like any drink, I could hardly push his buggy back home!


A boy asks his grandfather what kind of book he's reading.

The old man answers, "A history book."

The boy looks more closely at the book and says, "That's a book about sex!"

"Yes," replies his grandfather, "but for me it's history!"


The worst pub I've ever been to was called 'The Fiddle.'

It really was a vile inn.


A man went to see his doctor and told him of the bad headaches that he was suffering from, “they are driving me insane” he complained. The doctor said “strange but I had the same problem but found a cure”. He went on, “one afternoon I stayed at home and spent all afternoon making love to my wife. Why don’t you give it a try” he advised?

A week later the man went back to the doctor and said “I tried your suggestion and it worked. Three hours we were at it, but I’m completely cured”. After thanking the doctor the man left and as he was leaving said “by the way doctor, you have a lovely house”.

I didn't even want to be in the Chinese burn competition, but somebody twisted my arm.
When I was growing up, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French," just after using some swear words.

I'll never forget when I started school and a teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

What do you call a lot of birds that stick together?

Velcrows.

 

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Discussion Starter · #37 ·
Are there any rules for the Blues? If there aren't any, here are a few suggestions:

1. Good way to start a blues song: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the blues, 'less you
stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with
the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line
right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ...
sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh
500 pound."

4. Blues travel in Chevys, old Cadillacs and broken down
trucks. Blues don't travel in limousines, Volvos, BMWs, or
Sport Utility Vehicles. However, a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train is acceptable. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor
pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in
the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

5. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough
to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

6. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any
place in Canada. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the Blues. Phoenix, Tucson and Palm Springs are
out. You can't have the blues any place that don't get rain.

7. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chomping on it is.

8. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall, or any place
with fluorescent lighting. You can have the Blues by the light of a bare
bulb hanging on a wire.

9. Good places for the Blues:
a) highway
b) jailhouse
c) empty bed
d.) freight train boxcar

Bad places:
a) Tennis courts
b) gallery openings
c) Ivy League institutions
d) golf courses

10. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a' old black man, and you slept in it.

11. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:
a) you're older than dirt
b) you're blind
c) you shot a man in Memphis
d) you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a) you have all your teeth
b) you were once blind but now can see
c) the man in Memphis lived.
d) you have an IRA or trust fund.

12. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Ray Charles can.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

13. Some foods are not Blues food. You can't eat caviar and have the Blues.
The same goes for sushi, quiche and foie gras. Acceptable Blues foods are
fried okra, pork&beans out of the can, and dry pizza you find in a dumpster.

14.Acceptable Blues beverages are:
a) cheap wine
b) bad whiskey or bad bourbon
c) muddy water
d) black coffee.

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a) dry martinis
b) kosher wine
c) Snapple
d) sparkling water

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is
the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a Pilates class or getting liposuction.

16. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues
no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17. To sing the Blues, you must have a Blues name. If you don't have a Blues name,
you can make up your own. Here's how:

a) For your first name, pick a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b) Your middle name should be a fruit (Lemon, Melon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c) The last name must be that of a dead president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
That way you get catchy names like; Blind Melon Jefferson and Cripple Kiwi Johnson.

18. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you can not sing the blues.
Not unless you shoot Bill Gates in Memphis.

 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
Failed super heroes

"You won't like me when I'm angry, because I always back up my rage with facts and documented evidence." - The Credible Hulk.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this October from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting afterlife benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the BOOM union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are no virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit package.


I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

It’s not a problem though, I'm taking steps to avoid them.....


Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are sitting in a pub with their mates.

Snow White says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the fairest in the land."

Tom thumb says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the smallest in the land."

Quasimodo says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the ugliest in the land."

Their mates tell them to prove it by going to the magic all-knowing mirror, and the three head off.

A few minutes later, the door of the pub bursts open and Snow White runs in and says, "It's official, I'm the fairest in the land!"

Shortly afterwards, the door again bursts open and Tom Thumb runs in and shouts, "It's official, I'm the smallest in the land!"

A minute later, Quasimodo storms in and bellows, "Who the hell's Wayne Rooney?"


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
Fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied...

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,
Still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!


Husband's text To wife: Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head wound required 19 stitches with a possible fractured skull. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of the right foot is a possibility. Love you....

Wife's text to husband: Who the Hell is Paula?


My girlfriend and I have been together a long time. Our favourite sexual position is the English World Cup Squad.

Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication and we never even make it past the first stage. It's often accompanied by a very bad soundtrack, horrible dribbling and never ever a clean sheet. It's always over far too quickly and when it does end I know it will be at least another 4 years before it happens again.


His new Thai bride arrived yesterday and as they'd never met he got her to tell him two things about herself.

She said, "I love to play scrabble and once I had ********".

He asked her, "What's the second thing?"


Paddy went into Argos and said " Can I have a Potato clock please "
" I'm sorry sir " said the assistant " I've never heard of a Potato clock. We have Cuckoo clocks and Grandfather clocks but nothing like a Potato clock "
"Well " said Paddy. " I've got a new job and I start at 9 o'clock in the morning, so my wife said "You have to get a Potato clock"

 

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Discussion Starter · #39 ·
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
"What's wrong, love?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife,
"I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed,
along with a very erotic porn magazines! What ever are we going to do?”
"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question."


My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing.
I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house, all the signs were there.


Is USB a back-up plan just in case USA fails?

A young ventriloquist is doing a show with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his
usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the
colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's
men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like
you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general...pathetically all in the name of humour"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap."


A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Catholic Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,

"Get out, you idiot. You're in my side".


Why did the feminist get run over?
Because no man tells her what to do, not even the red one at the pedestrian crossing.


Facebook: Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?

Many years ago, a very old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a teaspoonful of gunpowder on his breakfast every day.
And so, without fail his grandson did just than until at the age of 103 he gently passed on.
He left behind three sons, four grandson, three great grandsons and a whacking great hole in the ground where the crematorium used to be.


This is my third visit to Egypt in four years, and every time it's the same thing, "Ten camels for your beautiful wife?"
And every time, my reply is the same. I tell them to get lost, before winking at my wife.
If she's that beautiful, why do they want to sell her back to me?


We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the
herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to
suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy,
but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Holy baloney! The bull started to service the cows within a week. All of my cows!
He even broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbor's cows! He's been
mounting just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!

I don't know what on earth was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kind of
taste like peppermint.


Thought for the day…….If God created the sun on the 4th day, how did he know 3 days had passed?.

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea?
Bravefart!


What did the cyclops say to his girlfriend?
You're the one eye love.


I bumped into an old friend yesterday. I told him I was arranging a night out with the boys on Facebook.

He said, "I'm not on Facebook, so keep me updated by text."

So later on, I sent him a text that said, "My brother-in-law is at a gig, my cousin loves cheese on toast, and a girl I went to school with has bought a cat."

 

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Discussion Starter · #40 ·
From the Edinburgh fringe…..

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.

Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one ...

I got ripped off in Ireland recently. I bought some cocaine from Limerick but the third and fourth lines were a lot shorter!


I once met a transsexual guy who’s only ambition in life was to eat, drink, and be Mary!

My friend keeps telling me that I’m in the closet. I just say, “It’s Narnia business”.

Thought for the day……..Just because no-one complains, doesn’t mean that all parachutes are perfect!

I was learning learning to play tennis, but had to give up. The depressing thing was that no matter how much I practised, I was never going to be better at it than a wall.

People should stop making fun of fat people, they have enough on their plates as it is!

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony...


“Pick a card, any card you like," I said to my wife.

"Make sure you memorise it, now put it back with the rest of the pack."

"Dammit Dave! It's our anniversary," she replied, before stomping out of Hallmark.


Why is it that parents who use 'Baby Changing Facilities' always come out with the same baby they went in with?

I got pulled over by a female police officer. I rolled down my window and asked, "What's wrong?" She said, "Nothing"

This Halloween please spare a thought for all the Viagraphobics in the world.

They are all scared stiff!



Q: Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player? A: To them, "Love" means nothing.

The fact that there's a Highway to Hell but only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says:
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems
to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says:
"I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is
getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the
room or calms down.

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says:
"Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says:
"The water itself does nothing.
It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".


I don’t like shopping. Currys never sold curry, Comet never sold comets, the Virgin Megastore was a massive disappointment, and as for Screwfix………

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and then another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because, ... I've already got a cat!!!


 
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