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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It had to start, you know it did...:)

Bought a dog from the local blacksmith. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
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My granddad fought in WW1 and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He was classed as a seasoned veteran.
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3 Yorkshire lads and 3 Cockney blokes were in a ticket queue at York Central train station heading to Euston for a Scotland - England International at Wembley.

The 3 Cockneys each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Yorkies bought just one ticket between them.

"How are the 3 of you going to travel on 1 ticket?" asked one of the Cockneys.
"Thall av t watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the North.

When the 6 travellers boarded the train, the 3 Londoners sat down, but the 3 Northerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train set off the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "tickets please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on into the next car.

The Southerners saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save themselves some money.

That evening after the game, when they all got to Euston, the Cockney blokes bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment, the 3 Yorkshire lads didn't even buy 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Cockneys.
"A tell thee, Lad, tha has t watch and learn", answered one of the Tykes.

When they boarded the train the 3 Cockneys crammed themselves into a toilet and the 3 Yorkies crammed themselves into another toilet.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Tykes left their toilet and walked over to the Cockney's toilet. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".
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If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance!!
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My wife has Informed me she is leaving me for my best mate.

To be fair, he was just a mate until she told me.
__________


My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party.

So I invited a couple of her friends round, and made them clean the house.

 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
___________________

"NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER"

Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.

First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last!
My darlings do be careful, his balls are hard and fast.

Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way,
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!

And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!

Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength,
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes,
When he goes into action, he's a fine array of strokes.

And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two,
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.

Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about,
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash,
And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score,
Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup,
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!

So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me,

NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!
____________________


I work for Gillette. The end of year meetings follow a simple format.

The chairman comes in and says, "Right, we've had a good year but we can't stand still. How can we make our product even better?"

Everyone stands there, scratching their heads, until the chairman loses patience and says, "Bugger it, just stick another blade on it."
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I checked and checked the numbers, but still could not believe it.

9-15 21-4 20-16

Finally I had done it.

After many years of trying, I had finally got a doctor’s appointment.

 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I took a picture of myself with books on my head.

I call it a shelfie.
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It was the Scotland vs Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh, and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in a red jersey, jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from 'The Scotsman', who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, "That was brilliant, I can see the headline now".

Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death

The man replied, "No, you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!"

"Don't worry", said the journalist, "I can see the headline now".

Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler

The man replied, "No, you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh... I'm from London".

The journalist said, "Don't worry; I can see the headline now".

English ******* Strangles Family Pet
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In New York, Father O'Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan among your congregation?'
'I do!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
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Scientology has now been officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult.

A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion... erm...

 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and
So entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs.

Science has railed against such simple beliefs for centuries; last week,
at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth aremuch more scientifically plausible ...

"... and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her
young. And God spake, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit,
but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"

And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I do not need but two breasts."

And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom."

There was a crack and a lingering odour of ozone, and it was done, and
Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.

"Now just what am I gonna do with this useless tit?" Woman exclaimed.

And so it was, God created Man."

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Heard today on the news that a woman ran out of the church in the middle
of her own wedding. No one heard her say anything -- she just threw off
her headdress and ran out the side door with a very determined
expression on her face.

Members of the wedding party spent the rest of the afternoon and much of
the evening searching for the woman, who was still believed to be
wearing her bride's dress, ... but without avail.

______________________
Seamus was starting his first day on the building site. The foreman asked
him to go and work on the 15th floor. However, beforehand he had a word
with the lads who normally worked there.

"Take it easy on old Seamus, he's a good lad - so no micky taking OK??"

They agree, and Seamus starts work.

Later that day, the foreman is eating his lunch when there is a scream and
Seamus drops through his portacabin roof - dead.

The foreman can't believe it and sprints up to the 15th floor.

"What happened? What happened?" he cries

"Nothing" reply the workers, "we was just chatting about stuff and he
jumped off!"

"What did you say?" asks the suspicious foreman

"Well," replies one man "We was having a natter and I told him that my granddad flew in Wellingtons in the war."

______________________
I hate pub quizzes, everyone staring at you and expecting answers.
"I'll have a pint please." I said, eventually

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Heaven and Hell are not actually one above the other, but next to each other and the fence is the responsibility of the devil. It's in a shocking condition and he won't do anything about it. Eventually God says he is going to get his lawyer onto the Devil.

The Devil laughs in his face "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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It's my scouse nephew's birthday tomorrow so as a special surprise I've slipped a £20 note into his nan's purse.
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It's not all that often a wife will confess her faults. Just the
other night my wife said, "Hon, I know I'm not the perfect wife, for
one thing, I realise I'm outspoken."
Risking all manner of flying objects, I couldn't resist. I calmly
replied, "Oh... by whom dear ?"

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My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well," she said, "I've lost a stone. Can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it into the sea. "The beach has lost a stone," I said. "Can you see a difference?"

 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "Yes."

The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the beer represented.

The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

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Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away...

or is it just one of Granny's myths?

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My marriage at the weekend went off without a hitch.

That was a lucky escape.

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A London lawyer travelling through Dublin runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
My wife told me women were better at multi tasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what, she couldn't do either.



Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said,"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



I once took the pee out of a pirate. He was furious!!


I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - lets me have a shed.

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.



Just been invited to a Post Office fancy dress party. I'll be there in a jiffy.
Fred went to the doctor's and when he saw the nurse, explained that he had a very embarrassing problem. 'Promise me you won't laugh,' said Fred.

'We see all kinds of things,'said the nurse, ' I promise I won't laugh.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man-thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.



In heaven, Mother Teresa is dining with God, who has made a couple of simple tuna fish sandwiches.
While they’re eating, she looks down into hell and sees the occupants eating steak, lobster, and crème brûlée.
‘Not that I’m complaining, God,’ she says, ‘but why are they eating lavishly, and we’re only having tuna sandwiches?’
‘Well,’ says God, ‘with just the two of us up here, I figured, why cook?’


 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·

A husband and wife are lying in bed kissing and touching, The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide.

He tells his wife to take all three of them Then they go over and get matching shoes worth £200 each.

And then they go to the Jewellery Dept where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care.

She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cashier."

The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

The wife's face goes blank.

"Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."






I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Xmas. He said it was the most violent book he had ever read.
__________

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex".

My wife had to break it to me, that it was actually talking about "dyslexia".

Just been on Trip Advisor.

They recommend LSD and magic mushrooms.






 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
These might be the last jokes for a while, because I'm starting a new job on Monday. :) Can you tell just how boring this old one was? :(

Three women are chatting in the ladies’ locker room at a fitness club, when they hear the door at the far end of the room open and then bang shut.
A completely naked man has entered the wrong door by mistake, and he realises he’s going to have to go through the room to the other side to get out.
Looking around he sees a spare towel lying on a bench, so he grabs it and decides to cover his head and face, rather than his private parts.
He then dashes through the locker room, to the amusement of the three ladies, who watch his naked torso swinging by.
The first woman turns to the other two and says: “Well. It wasn’t my husband!”
The second responds: “I’ll vouch for that”
The third puts her hands on her hips, and says indignantly: “You’re right! He wasn’t even a member of the club!”



Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied:

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap."



I have just eaten 50 kinder eggs. I didn’t think I could eat so many. I'm full of surprises.....


Why do the French only have one egg for Easter? Because one is an ouef.


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

-----------------------------------------

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

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First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don't know how I pulled through it..

It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

A few friends and I invented the Oscar Pistorius drinking game whilst watching the trial.
Anytime someone goes to the toilet, you have four quick shots.



A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'



I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He
said, 'You've got cholera.....


 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

With her marriage,
She got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -
Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Once you've seen one shopping centre,
You've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
A blond was sitting at a table trying to do a jigsaw and was struggling.

Her boyfriend walked in and she asked him for help saying "I know it is a picture of a tiger, but I can't work out where to start."

Her boyfriend took one look and said

"You are never going to complete that jigsaw. Please, put the Frosties back in the box."
_____________________



I keep dreaming about cans of fizzy orange drink that keep getting bigger and bigger, but my doctor thinks I'm just fantasizing.
_______________________________



When it's sunny I think, 'beer garden.
'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.

When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beers.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

___________________________



If you kill yourself, its suicide. If you kill someone else, its homicide. If you kill loads of people, its genocide. If you haven't won a title in over 20 years, its Merseyside.
_____________________________

I was astonished to learn that the meat in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way.

But how do they fit the rucksack and vest on a cow?
________________________
I'm already bored with my time machine, and I've only had it a year.

I probably won't bother getting it.
____________________________
Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a Policeman writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an a--hole.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So the wife called him a s--t head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.


We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
_____________________

Thought for the day.

What if global warming really is a hoax? In 20 years or so we will have cleaned up our air, our oceans, preserved the rainforests, created millions of new clean technology jobs and become energy independent, and it will all be for nothing?
___________________

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.

You probably saw our posters?
___________________________

The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty.
I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once.
She's still not home yet either and I'm getting hungry....
__________________________

On average, British couples have sex two to three times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only one to three times a month.

This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese...
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks Bob,

I'm settling in........I think, but still have a lot to learn.

You will notice that these were posted a lot later in the evening than you will have been used to, and there are less jokes too.

Cas
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
As I looked my soon-to-be wife up and down in her wedding dress and said the words, "I do," she slapped me...

It obviously wasn't the reply she was expecting to, "Do you think my bum looks big in this?"

________________________

I can not believe how many Scousers are in the England squad.

Are we going to Brazil to try and win the world cup, or just nick it.?
___________________________

Quotes

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Lidl's cheddar.
John Sampson,
Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead.

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth.

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield.

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for it's contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham.

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.
____________________________________

Jewish jokes by Jewish comedians
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? "The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: "So don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak "The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off

_________________________
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
____________________
I'm thinking of sending the missus out to Malaysia to help find missing flight MH370.

She has an extraordinary ability to bring stuff up that anyone else forgot about months ago.
____________________
I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos.

But it's hard. Really hard.
______________________
I was in a bar and an ugly girl approached me at the end of the night

"Hi handsome" she said, "I think you are hot. Could I get your number?"

"Have you got a pen? "

"Yes" she said

"In that case I suggest you get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing"




 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.

That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.


Q) What should you do if a bird ****s on the bonnet of your car?
A) Don’t ask her out again!

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way... but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

Lessons in life No: 1

When a female says "What"... it's not that she didn't hear you, she’s giving you a chance to change what you just said.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago .. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Why, Yes, she did.'

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."


World’s worst chat up lines no:1

My friends over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?

Two fish in a tank. One says "You man the guns, I'll drive".

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather": Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

A recent article in the Kentucky Post, reported that
a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke’s
hospital, saying that, after her husband had surgery
there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was
admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did, was correct
his eyesight.”


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage
bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell
out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am,
there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can
find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You
didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower
garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then Ithought,
'why not make the best of it?" "So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole,
real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through
my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off
it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, aughing. "OK.. Good luck!" "Oh, by the
way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."


I used to date an anaesthesiologist. She was a local girl.

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their chequebook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."


I was on holiday in Spain and I saw a man who had slipped and was hanging from the edge of a cliff.
He called to me "HELP! Do you speak English?!?"
I yelled back "Just cling on!"
He replied "BOK JOOK BORACH! "ï

 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I've just been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.

He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.



Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says:

'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.' Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.

On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital. On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks 'So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?'

'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.' 'Ahh' replies the doctor, 'And what did you put in it?'

'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'

The doctor sighs. 'Well that explains it.'

'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men.

'He's in a korma' replies the doctor.



I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.


Skippy the bush kangaroo has come forward today after years of silence
She say's not only did Rolf Harris tie her down but the dirty bas---d went on to sing about it !



Past, Present and Future walked into a bar.

It was tense



Q. What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A. Anyone can roast beef.



Bud walks into his local New York bar and sees his old friend Dwayne

"Hey Dwayne! Haven't seen you for years buddy! Hey how's your brother doin'?"

"Oh, he's abroad now"

"Jeez, that musta hurt"



My grandmother was struggling to walk and had to be put in a wheelchair. She went downhill pretty fast after that.


The Real History of the Internet!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

And that's the truth.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."



A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had purchased just the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how many car body shops tried to make it new again, it would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer . . . "My Rolex!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday" That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive! _____ I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?" I replied. _____ A train station is where trains stop. A bus station is where buses stop. So what happens in a work station? _____ I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?" I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to chat up wife and daughter?" "Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted. "Well, neither would Pete" _____ Word for today: Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning many; and tics meaning, bloodsucking creatures. _____ "I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle. "You've only worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned. _____ I was reading that Bensons For Beds have come out with a top quality mattress costing £24,000. It is a truly amazing thing, at the bottom are 4000 pocket springs. On top of that is cashmere; on top of that mohair; on top of that silk ... And then on top of that, a gullible bugger who paid £24,000 for a bloody mattress. _____ No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.' Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!' _____ My wife turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today. After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, "That's not on". _____ God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." "What are you going to do now?" asks the angel. "Call it a day," says God. _____ A Paris gendarme stops two English tourists in a rental car with because one of its brake lights isn't working. He asks the driver to get out of the car and the passenger to stay put. The occupants explain that they are conjoined twins John and Jim and cannot therefore comply. The gendarme feels a bit sympathetic and engages them in conversation. "Are you in Paris on holidays" he asks? "yes" says Jim "we have been coming here for the last ten years". "Are you in Paris to enjoy the beautiful food?" "No" said Jim" French food is all garlicky so we have brought our own sandwiches". "Ah then you must be here to drink our lovely wines and cognac". "No" replies Jim "We're both pint men and cannot stand wine nor brandy". "Then" says the now bemused gendarme "you must be here for the beautiful mademoiselles" "No" replies Jim "Neither of us like French women we prefer our own". "Why then" says the now irate gendarme " do you come to our beautiful country?" Jim says "It's the only chance John gets to drive." _____ Thought for the day. Is it pure coincidence that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra and, half way through, the bloke on the triangle disappeared!

Our local school has become an academy sponsored by IKEA. Standards may be fine, but assembly takes ages.

My ancestors were garlic-traders. They came to this country with nothing but the cloves on their backs.

Police in the North of England say an entire city has been stolen. To date they have no leeds

Guy goes into his doctors surgery with a frog on his head.
The doctor asks what is the problem.
The frog says " It all started with a lump on my bum"


I witnessed absolutely disgusting behaviour on the sea front at Llandudno today. I saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument infront of a load of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy on the head and it all kicked off!!! There was a massive brawl and someone must have phoned the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man. The guy managed to get the baton off the copper and began to assault the copper and his wife!!!
Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages


A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his
hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes ..... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a very good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....
"I didn't feel a thing."


Why is it that if wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable; but if husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy?

Picture the scene . . you come home from work and the door is opened by your woman who's wearing nothing apart from one of your shirts. Her long legs disappear invitingly up into the shirt and she walks slowly up the stairs, beckoning you with her finger and a 'come hither' look in her eye.

Isn't it great how a woman wearing a man's shirt can be so sexy.

Of course, if it's the other way around and she comes home and finds you wearing one of her frocks, things don't run quite so smoothly.


Prince Andrew has said he's had some ups and downs in the past year.

Wouldn't that have something to do with being the Duke of York?


I've been dating a TV weather girl. I thought it'd make a nice change to be with a woman that wasn't right all the time.

The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis"....

A Rastafarian has taken over my local corner shop. I went in yesterday and he leant over the counter and whispered, "Hey man, you wanna buy some ****?"

I looked around to make sure no one else could hear.

"Eh, sure, what have you got?" I asked.

And he said, "The Daily Mail."


If I had a pound for every time someone called me stupid, I'd have £2.50.

My mate said, "I like your car." I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."

He said, "How about I buy it off you." I said, "Yeah go on then. Three grand?"

He said, "You've got yourself a deal."

I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."

 
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